Dear game developers,
I love you guys. I’m not even being hyperbolic – your art has been with me through most of my life. It fuels my curiosity, my imagination, and my nostalgia. Even the worst parts of my life have been better thanks to the thousands of hours you’ve spent crafting these experiences. I owe you all so much and I’m forever grateful for everything you’ve done.
But you really need to knock it the fuck off with the fishing minigames.
Seriously, just stop it.
Maybe no one has told you that not every game needs to allow the player to fish. Sure, sometimes it makes sense: games set in medieval times, life sims, games that have literally anything to do with fishing. But that’s not enough, I guess. Fishing has been shoehorned into so many games now that I kind of expect to find it in every game I play.
This isn’t a new problem. Perhaps you remember 1998? Sonic Adventure on the Dreamcast? Big the fucking Cat?! Of course you remember Big – he was easily everyone’s favorite character in the game. And, since Knuckles’ sections were horrible nightmares, Big came out on top and became everyone’s favorite supporting character.
Oh, wait. I think I might be remembering things wrong. That’s right – everyone thought Big was a big idiot who gives sloppy toppy to turds. Sure, some of that had to do with the fact that his personality is the equivalent of a baby screaming while it drags its fingernails down a chalkboard. But that’s on top of the whole part where his chapters completely annihilate the pace of the game. Who wouldn’t want Sonic – the mascot whose name implies that his speed breaks the sound barrier – to hand the reins over to a big, dumb cat to do some slow-ass fishing?
I know exactly what you’re thinking: “The problem with the Big the Cat sections weren’t merely the fact that they were fucking awful. (That would be forgivable on its own in a Sonic game.) It’s the fact that they were mandatory to finish the game. If devs don’t force the player to fish, then you’ll stop whining, right?”
First of all: hell no. I’ll never stop whining. It makes me feel big and strong to complain about everything all the time.
But really, the reason that making fishing optional won’t stop me from whining – I mean being right – is because it doesn’t actually happen that way, does it? Even if the way forward isn’t locked behind a fishing minigame, something is. If there’s no exclusive reward for fishing, then there is no incentive to do it. (You know, since it’s so boring that plucking your eyebrows with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch is more entertaining). Maybe it’s not actual progress, but it’s items, gear, or, worst of all, achievements – or any combination of the three.
Take Nier: Automata, for example. The game about sexy android booties has a goddamned fishing minigame for some reason. In the original Nier, fishing made sense: you were trying to support your village, and fishing is a good way to do that. In Nier: Automata, all of the humans are dead, and every character is a robot that can’t eat fish or they’ll get fish guts in their circuit boards. On top of that, fishing is the only way to get POD B, the second of three ranged weapons in the game for 2B. Of course, the “Pod Hunter” achievement is only unlocked after (say it with me) finding all the PODs in the game. This is less heinous with a strategy guide but, for players who want to go in blind, finding this POD must be a pain in the 2B-hole. Unless they’re spending every moment between existential crises fishing, that is.
Look. Maybe I wouldn’t be so upset if it was just a game here and there… but fishing mini-games are everywhere! It’s bad enough that there are cheeky fishing sections in Resident Evil 4, for god’s sake. But indie game developers have picked it up and ran with it like it was a pair of scaly, wet scissors.
Why does Shovel Knight have a fishing mechanic? In what way does it contribute to the gameplay? (Aside from the rewards, obvs.) Hades? Why does Hades have fishing? “Oh, I’m in hell. I guess I’ll catch some fish.” As unintentionally appropriate as it may be, it’s still ridiculous. Treasure of Nadia has fucking fishing! And, no, I don’t literally mean “fucking fishing”, though that might have made more sense. In a saucy game designed to give me a boner, I had to tell my boner to take five while I went to catch some stupid fucking fish. The dev was so focused on whether they could that they never stopped to ask whether they should.
…Ah, shit. I’m sorry game devs. I’ve been yelling at you for a long time, now. It’s not your fault that people like fishing in games. Honestly, I’m probably just jealous that I don’t seem to get the same thrill out of them as other players. Forget I said anything, okay? Keep doing what you’re doing. Let your freaky fish flag fly.
Could you just do me one favor, though?
Could you fucking cut it out with sliding block puzzles? Not every game needs one.
Thankyousomuch,
slanderoid
Image sources:
Animal-Crossing-New-Horizons Characters-Fishing by Centrixe
Fishing pier by Greyson Morales at Twinfinite
slanderoid.com 
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